Etiquette

There is a co-worker in my work-place who is hated by everyone for his arrogance and many other things. Here is a list of "Rules" we all framed for him:

1. Use Kleenex. Snorting loud is disturbing and unpleasant for others. It can be very distracting.

2. Do Not Talk To Yourself. People will think you're crazy and may not want to work with you.

3. If you've never been to Kosovo, please keep political discussions to yourself. Only those who have been shot get to talk politics. In addition, unless your last name is Greenspan you’re not allowed to talk about economics.

4. Keep the singing to a minimum, especially because you suck at it.

5. If You Eat Melon, cut it up. Do not eat over your garbage can and slurp so the entire office can hear.

6. Keep the package displays to a minimum, nobody wants to see a guy in tights.

7. If you're going to be a cheap-ass, fine. But keep your monetary views to yourself, most people like being respected.

8. No sprinting around the office, please keep movements to a light jog at all times.

9. Bathe regularly, and brush your teeth and wash at home. Your office is not your bathroom. No one likes a smelly neighbor.

10. No cackling, all laughter must be of normal pitch and volume. Cackles scare people and make them wonder about your sanity.

11. Please don't yell at crazy people on the street. Just because they're crazy doesn't mean you have to be.

12. While the word “like” is a part of the English language, it’s not the only word. Please use this AT MOST once per minute of talking. Also, please try to finish sentences with a minimum of pauses.

13. Coupons are not a source of income. It is not considered polite to hassle employees for their coupons, ask for their coupon books, or take the coupon books of employees that have left the company. Expired coupons are especially unacceptable. Under no circumstances do you tell women that you use coupons, and ESPECIALLY NOT ON DATES. Also, you are not to use a coupon at the same establishment at every visit, at most you may use a coupon once every three visits.

14. If you throw stuff at the bar while drinking, expect to get beaten within an inch of your life.

15. Bodily noises are unacceptable under any and all circumstances. We’d rather see you explode like a cherry bomb than smell the consequences of the anchovies you ate for lunch.

16. Brake fluid goes in the master cylinder, not in the power steering pump.

17. Ski helmets and goggles are to be worn outside. You might frighten someone, and the receptionist WILL hit the panic button.